Top 5 lame reasons for not voting

November 4, 2008

5. “I can’t vote until I hear what Randy, Paula and Simon have to say.”

4. “I haven’t gotten over the heartbreak of Dennis Kucinich dropping out of the Democratic primaries.”

3. “I’ll never vote for anyone again after witnessing the travesty of Cloris Leachman getting voted off ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ ”

2. “I always forget which one’s the donkey and which one’s the elephant.”

1. “McCain promised to drive me to the polling place, but he never showed.”

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Top 5 things you don’t want to hear from your plumber

October 13, 2008

5. “Got the hair clog out. Looks like I can make that Chewbacca costume for my kid after all!”

4. “I’ll be taking my break when The View is on.” 

3. “Your toilet’s shot, but I was able to rig a flush handle to your sink.”

2. “No, I haven’t quite fixed that drip in the basement. By the way, do you have a snorkel and flippers?”

1. “Can you hold this ballcock while I get a grip on the coupling nut?”



Summer to-do list

August 5, 2008

Why didn’t someone tell me it was August already? I’ve been so obsessed with my new toaster (shiny!), I hadn’t noticed that another summer is speeding by like a buttered seal on a Slip-and-Slide.

I haven’t even made my annual SUMMER TO-DO LIST (which was task No. 3 on my SPRING TO-DO LIST). 

OK. No more dilly-dallying. Here are the things I intend to do before summer fades to fall:

* Call the iceman and ask him when he plans to cometh.

* Chase my wife around with the hose. Later, we’ll go outside.

* Go see a summer blockbuster at the cineplex. I’m pretty sure the crowds have thinned out enough so we can get in to see “The Love Guru.”

* Eat 30 of the 31 flavors at Baskin-Robbins. (Yes, I’m still holding a grudge, Cherries Jubilee.)

* Paint old Mrs. McGurkle’s fence.

* Paint old Mrs. McGurkle.

* Push a buttered seal across a Slip-and-Slide.

* Make my FALL TO-DO LIST.

* Sit on the deck and drink beers with Cooter and Horsey Joe.

* Get treated for heat stroke after realizing I don’t know anyone named Cooter and Horsey Joe.

 

Well, I think there’s enough time to do all those things. I’ll get started tomorrow.

Today is all about toast.


How to sleep like a baby

August 4, 2008
  1. Go to bed wearing a diaper.
  2. Cry yourself to sleep.
  3. Wet the bed.
  4. Dream of something totally silly, like dancing cats.
  5. Wake up screaming from dream of dancing cats.
  6. Repeat as necessary.

The cat’s out of the … you know.

July 29, 2008
© Chuck Ingwersen, 2008  

 

 

© Chuck Ingwersen, 2008

 

 

ALTERNATE SAYINGS FOR “THE CAT’S OUT OF THE BAG”

“The weasel’s out of my pants.”

“The wiener dog has pooted.”

“There ya go, flappin’ those loose lips again, Sally.” (Appropriate only when someone named Sally has let the weasel out of her pants.)

“The Canadian has dropped the puck.”

“Grandma just let another one fly.”


Desert island

July 28, 2008

 

 

© Chuck Ingwersen, 2008

© Chuck Ingwersen, 2008

 

LEAST USEFUL THINGS TO HAVE WITH YOU ON A DESERT ISLAND

Sandbox

Waffle iron

Season 2 DVD set of Full House

Coupon for free drink with purchase of a Whopper

Spackle

High-heeled shoes

Pet goldfish

Jim Belushi


Top 5 signs your dog is lazy

July 10, 2008

 

© Chuck Ingwersen, 2008

© Chuck Ingwersen, 2008

He pays the cat to bring you your slippers.

The only command he listens to is “Stay.”

He’s stopped sniffing your butt after realizing he can sniff your feet while lying down.

He eats only the Kibbles, because the Bits take too much effort to chew.

He licks himself only eight or nine hours a day.